Thursday, June 9, 2016

Vulnerability is violet, procrastination is blue, you use up all your color, and then what do you do?

The Faux-hawk phase lasted much longer than anticipated :-) Like, months longer.  But once I started messing with colors, a very magical thing happened.
If you look closely at that purple, you'll see it's rather, um, bright. I happen to have a shirt the exact same unearthly hue, and believe it or not, the day after we dyed it I threw on my purple shirt. Without remembering my hair was purple.

 More than half-way through the busy Saturday, standing in front of my reflection at a paint store window, I looked up. My shirt matched my hair. Exactly matched my hair.

As embarrassing as that is, I want to point out the most important part of this story.
I went about my day, doing my things, not thinking about what I looked like. 

The next week I gave a Love and Logic presentation to fifty women in a MOPS group downtown. Not once while I was speaking did I think about how I looked while I was speaking. I felt my own spirit in that place, my own soul coming out unfettered by any insecurities. That's magic.
The same thing happened with the blue, and though I got a lot of fun attention, and I loved the cool and funky ways the colors faded out, most of the time, all I felt was authentic. I was me. Really, really me. Does that sound like magic to you??

Two full months of freedom.

Then I had to face the goal. The end goal has always been a buzz cut. I've been saying it all along. People have been reminding me of it all along. And when it came time, things came up. So I used up all my old color, and kept the faux for "just another couple weeks," and more things came up. Some were legitimately good reasons to hold off buzzing. Some weren't. Some made me think I wasn't being true to the people who were waiting to see pictures. Some reasons made me think I wasn't being true to myself.

I loved the purple faux-hawk. Really loved it. I could have stayed with it for years, but the point wasn't to find the hairstyle I liked the most. The point was to challenge my looks. The point was to try something that scared me. The point was to do something to my hair that I knew would take years to grow out. And learn to love and accept myself in it, no matter how it looked.

So, one sunny morning on vacation in South Carolina, my bedhead and I braced ourselves.  I handed my loved ones the clippers. My daughters, my nephew, and my sister in law went to town.
And I came out renewed. No one has to agree with that statement. You don't have to like it. You certainly don't have to tell me I still look cute. I don't care if I look cute. I did something I've wanted to do my whole life. It scared the crap out of me, and I did it. There will be consequences. I'm already enjoying some of them. But I embraced the deed and all its consequences.



  1. You are so awesome, brave, deep, and amazing. Love you.

    1. Hey! Those are the same adjectives I could use for you! No wonder we are friends after all these years. Love you, Rose!

  2. Awesome! I love it! Kuddos to you for being so brave and following all the way through to your final destination. You SHOOULD feel proud! :)

  3. You're awesome 😊 I know you didn't do this to get compliments but you look great! Even with a buzz cut! You've always been gorgeous.

  4. Wow. Thanks for completing this journey. You look so dang happy, like your spirit is louder than your hair. I'd love a journey post where you post pictures from every step.

  5. You look beautiful, Rach! I believe you had long hair when I first met you all those years ago...almost two decades ago. That's weird. But the things about you that I noticed then and the things I still notice about you now are your radiant smile, your big and happy eyes, and your infectious laugh. I don't hear your laugh nearly often enough, by the way. When your hair grows out, I hope you go back to the faux hawk. That one was my favorite. Love you to pieces. p.s. You have a very nicely shaped head. No dents. What a relief! So, what's your next crazy journey?

  6. (1) I only saw one shade of color on you so this tells me I don't see you enough in person (2) You picked a perfect time to do the buzz as it is effing hot outside (3) Super proud you went through with it!!!

  7. Rachel, you did it!!! I am so proud of you! You have always been beautiful to me and continue to be so. You will forever be beautiful. I love you! I love you!!!

  8. Rachel I LOVE it! And I really really love you! All of you! I need you and your positive self in my real life. Thank you for sharing your soul. This has been a journey for everyone watching from a distance. And I have been learning from you. Love you to pieces sweet girl. Way to rock it! ❤️❤️❤️

  9. I am so proud of you for doing something so daring and true to yourself. I think you look stunning, strong, and very free. <3

  10. So proud of you Miss Rachel! I'm relieved that you finally know what the rest of us have known all along: that you are stunning, brave, strong, and incredible - not because of your looks or in spite of your looks - just simply because you're you!

  11. So amazing, thanks for letting us come on your journey with you. And you seriously do look beautiful!!